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Playing Chicken

Never get in the way of a man and his chicken leg


So last night I went over to my boyfriend Gooch’s house with the singular goal of seducing him.  I’ve been working a lot lately and felt as if I have been neglecting my man.  I figured I could shower him with some cuddles, perhaps a backrub or a nice foot massage and from there…who knows?


What I neglected to factor in was DINNER.  Gooch is pretty serious about his food.  (What I mean by this is if we go out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant and I happen to choke on an egg roll, I cannot expect him to Heimlich me as he will be too engrossed in his Moo shu pork to notice my distress.)


I sauntered over to Gooch’s place in full seduction mode (which for most people is really only ¼ seduction mode) precisely at 7:00 PM – his dinner hour, hoping he was hungry for more than just food.  When he opened the door to his apartment, I flew into his arms and peppered his face with kisses.  He is and always has been a super affectionate guy so he reciprocated warmly.  Then he pulled away and said, “Do you mind watching me cook for a while?  I’m making chicken.”


My plan to immediately undress him had been thwarted by his Julia Child tendencies so I went to a plan B.  “Of course not,” I said, trying to mimic Sabrina’s sultry voice (no one says Clear 101.7 quite like she does).  “I love watching you cook – I think it’s sexy.”


While Gooch set to work in the kitchen, I set to work on draping myself on his couch suggestively.  I arched my back and extended my arms.  I curled my lips into a pout.  I even tilted my head to the side to make it look like I have cheekbones.  (It retrospect it may have appeared as if I was having a seizure…)


But Gooch was too engrossed in his chicken to notice. 


So then I rotated positions.  I sat up and curled my legs beneath me.  I twisted my waist to the right to maximize my anemic cleavage.  I even started playing with my hair.  (Picturing it now, it may have looked like I just had to pee really badly.)


But Gooch was too engrossed in his chicken to notice.


Finally, I reclined on the couch and allowed my turtleneck to hike up a tiny bit – revealing the smallest amount of midriff.  (Which probably did little except bounce light off my pale skin and cause a glare in Gooch’s cooking pan.)


But my man was too engrossed in his chicken to notice.


This is when things got worse!  Whatever he was cooking the chicken in – some assortment of herbs and spices – made my eyes water and my throat start to close off.  So now, not only was I draping myself across the couch, I was also choking and wiping at my watery eyes while trying to look seductive at the same time.  (Unless he is turned on by TB patients it probably wasn’t a good look for me.)


But Gooch was too engrossed in his chicken to notice.


When he was finally done cooking, he came over and sat down next to me with his plate of food.  He picked up that chicken leg with the tenderness of a man in love.  He brought that chicken leg to his mouth and touched it to his lips the way he sometimes did with the back of my hand.  When he chewed on that chicken leg, he closed his eyes the same way he did when he kissed my neck.  In that moment, I realized I had lost.  My Gooch had been seduced by a chicken leg.  It was time to give up the fight.  I can’t compete with poultry.

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