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The Very Best of The Clear Show




The holiday is upon us and, if you’re like me, you love your family but they have very strong opinions about your life choices.  My family – bless them – thinks I can’t hear them talking about me at holidays, but I can.  Through my haze of Klonopin and red wine I can hear every word they are saying.


I’m looking out for you, my friends, and I want you to learn from my pain.  So here is a list of possible uncomfortable questions you may get asked at the Thanksgiving table this year.


1. Are you dating anyone yet?  Or, if you are currently dating someone, here is a variation: When are you getting married?


I get this one every year!  I am an enigma to my family because I’m not married…and I’m not gay.  Truly the only two unmarried people in my family are a) my uber-gay, half-Cuban stepbrother who believes that sequined Speedos are appropriate dinner attire and b) me.  Nobody knows what shelf to put me on in the family pantry.


2. Any kids on the horizon?  Wait, you’re not drinking….are you pregnant?


Don’t think you are exempt from this one, even if you are unmarried. 


My mother is so hungry for grandchildren that one holiday I started to tell a story about work by saying, “Oh, guess what?”  My mother quickly piped up, “You’re pregnant!”  I was actually single at the time so I was fairly shocked.  “Mom,” I said, “I’m not married…I’m not even dating anyone.”  To which my mother replied, “At this point I’ll take what I can get.”


3. When are you going to get a real job?


If one more person tells me it is not too late for me to go to dental hygienist school I’m going to kill myself with a tartar scraper.


In an effort to deflect these awkward questions, may I suggest the following responses?


1. In the words of MJ’s daughter’s teacher, just smile politely and say, “We’ll get to that in a minute.”


2. Yell “fire!”


3. If all else fails, fake a seizure.  People tend to forget that you are unemployed, unmarried and childless when you are pretending to foam at the mouth.


More than anything, happy Thanksgiving…and remember to give thanks that this holiday only comes once a year!


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