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The Very Best of The Clear Show Archives for 2012-11


Angst-Giving


ANGST-GIVING

 

The holiday is upon us and, if you’re like me, you love your family but they have very strong opinions about your life choices.  My family – bless them – thinks I can’t hear them talking about me at holidays, but I can.  Through my haze of Klonopin and red wine I can hear every word they are saying.

 

I’m looking out for you, my friends, and I want you to learn from my pain.  So here is a list of possible uncomfortable questions you may get asked at the Thanksgiving table this year.

 

1. Are you dating anyone yet?  Or, if you are currently dating someone, here is a variation: When are you getting married?

 

I get this one every year!  I am an enigma to my family because I’m not married…and I’m not gay.  Truly the only two unmarried people in my family are a) my uber-gay, half-Cuban stepbrother who believes that sequined Speedos are appropriate dinner attire and b) me.  Nobody knows what shelf to put me on in the family pantry.

 

2. Any kids on the horizon?  Wait, you’re not drinking….are you pregnant?

 

Don’t think you are exempt from this one, even if you are unmarried. 

 

My mother is so hungry for grandchildren that one holiday I started to tell a story about work by saying, “Oh, guess what?”  My mother quickly piped up, “You’re pregnant!”  I was actually single at the time so I was fairly shocked.  “Mom,” I said, “I’m not married…I’m not even dating anyone.”  To which my mother replied, “At this point I’ll take what I can get.”

 

3. When are you going to get a real job?

 

If one more person tells me it is not too late for me to go to dental hygienist school I’m going to kill myself with a tartar scraper.

 

In an effort to deflect these awkward questions, may I suggest the following responses?

 

1. In the words of MJ’s daughter’s teacher, just smile politely and say, “We’ll get to that in a minute.”

 

2. Yell “fire!”

 

3. If all else fails, fake a seizure.  People tend to forget that you are unemployed, unmarried and childless when you are pretending to foam at the mouth.

 

More than anything, happy Thanksgiving…and remember to give thanks that this holiday only comes once a year!

Voter Beware


VOTER BEWARE

 

For me, the election was exciting and nerve-wracking and agonizing and inspiring all at the same time.  But maybe not for the reasons you may think.

 

Let me be clear: I consider the right to vote a true privilege.  Not all countries afford their citizens the same accessibility to ballot boxes.  As such, I found it a bit thrilling to watch our democracy at work.  Mostly because our democracy at work was the only thing on television I could watch!  All of my favorite programs had been pre-empted by election coverage and – I am not going to lie – I was digitally distraught.

 

You know how your dog senses it is mealtime and will often go and wait by the food bowl for you? I am the same way with Judge Judy.  Around 3:54 PM each day, I mosey on over to KOHD and wait for her doily embellished black robe to appear.  There is something comforting about her bailiff Byrd instructing the spectators to rise in her presence.  I can’t count on much in this world, but I can count on the fact that the plaintiff and the defendant will both be woefully under-dressed for a court appearance and one or both may be sporting a chin piercing.

 

So you can imagine my chagrin when I patiently waited for that familiar opening – the cacophony of strings from Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony, the dulcet tones of the voice-over guy as he announces: “You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin…the people are real…the cases are real…the verdicts are final…THIS IS JUDGE JUDY” – and was instead greeted with maps of the U.S. shaded in blue and red and lots of grey-haired white men talking about the electoral college. My Judge Judy had been knocked off the air by the Presidential Election!

 

I had the same feeling I did when I was a kid and strayed too far from my mom’s shopping cart at the grocery store.  I was lost with nothing familiar in sight!

 

So, I watched the election coverage and counted the electoral votes along with everyone else and listened to Wolf Blitzer and John King.  But I’m not going to lie.  When President Obama entered to give his acceptance speech, I half-expected Byrd to be there saying, “All rise…court is now in session…the honorable Judge Judith Sheindlin presiding…”

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