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The Very Best of The Clear Show Archives for 2012-12


Oy Basalt


What Does Mommy Want For Christmas?


MJ's Childhood


Background Check


Background Check

 

As you know I have been dating my beloved Gooch for over five months now.  Before we met I had a complete checklist of what I expected from my Potential Mate…or PM, as I like to call him.  A lot of my must-haves were dictated by what I refer to as my superior hygiene habits, but MJ considers severe germaphobia.  (To that I say “tomayto, tomahto” or “Lysol, Leesol.”)

 

I am not OCD.  I am OCDelicious!  I firmly believe that nothing is more reflective of a man’s cleanliness level than his castle…and you can learn a lot about a prospective sweetheart by what is – or is not – in his home.

 

Here are some must-haves in a man’s place:

 

1. Photos of him with his family

A guy who loves his family and isn’t afraid to show it is a major turn-on for us ladies, right?  Perhaps it is because if he’s close to his family we assume he will make a good father.

 

For me the additional perk is this: a guy who has taken time to frame up a picture probably does other civilized thing like eat with a knife and fork and wash his hands after he urinates.  (If I don’t hear the rush of the sink after the flush of the toilet he hasn’t washed his hands and to this I say DON’T TOUCH ME…I don’t want your pee-hand touching me, I just loofahed.  This is referred to as the RUSH AFTER FLUSH THEOREM.)

 

2. Healthy Options in the Fridge:

Adults have more in their fridge than liquor and leftover Chinese take-out.  As such, your prospective mate should have more on his shelves than beer, bologna and a head of lettuce more wilted than Lindsay Lohan’s weave after a night out in New York.  If they ignore something as crucial as kitchen hygiene, who knows what else they might be ignoring!  (Like, for example, maybe they haven’t changed the sheets on their bed since Clinton was in office!)

 

3. A Tidy Bathroom:

In an ideal situation guys would have little baskets filled with potpourri and shell soaps for us.  I don’t want to see his spit on the bathroom mirror or the stubble from his most recent shave lying in the sink like chocolate sprinkles in a scoop of vanilla.  And please, dudes, don’t keep your toothbrush in the same holder as your nail clippers.  I don’t want to think that the two have co-mingled because I might like to kiss that mouth later.

 

To sum up, it’s like my Great Aunt Vivian used to say: “Sam, your house should be like Disney movie..keep it clean!”

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