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The Very Best of The Clear Show Archives for 2013-01

MJ's Dogs


Catlicker


Flusicles


Flora and Fauna


Oprah on the Moon


Foam Finger


Dengue Fever


Veins


Hasbro Brothers


Sleeping Without Pajamas


Lance Armstrong On Oprah


Flu Shot


My Correspondence with X-tina Aguilera


Fans of The Voice know that the show returns in March, without my beloved Christina Aguilera.  I will miss her...and her lack of pants.  So I wrote her a letter and would like to share it with you.  Here it is:

 

My Dearest X-tina,

 

As you venture away from Blake, Adam, Cee Lo - and steady supervision from a wardrobe stylist - I'd like to respectfully remind you to please wear pants.

 

I know you are an artist and a free spirit.  I, too, am a firm believer in freedom of expression and understand that fashion is a personal statement.  I just really wish your personal statement involved trousers.

 

Your descent into pantslessness happened slowly.  First you switched to leggings.  Then you made the change to fishnet stockings.  Finally, you started appearing around town in nothing more than an over-sized tee shirt and stilettos.  Last season on The Voice you were rarely shot from the neck down which makes me believe you weren't wearing anything except fake eyelashes and a hat.

 

I'd like to address your alarming cleavage and the lack of support you offer your rather substantial lady bugs.  You look like you narrowly escaped a lion attack, but the claws scraped away a large portion of your leotard top.  I don't know if you need a Cami Secret or first aid.

 

So X-tina, as you embark on the next step of your career, please know I wish you health, happiness, success and...PANTS.

 

After all, as my Great Aunt Vivian used to say, "Sam, the body is a like tuna salad at a picnic - keep it covered!"

 

With All Good Wishes,

Sam from The Clear Show

 

Believe it or not, I got a response almost immediately!  Here is the reply:

 

Dear Sam,

 

It was recently brought to my attention that you had voiced concerns about my (lack of ) pants. 

 

As a vocalist who has managed to sustain in the music business for over 22 years, I have always had a long list of necessities to keep my career going. 

 

1. Crimping Iron

2. Wet'n'Wild Red Lipstick

3. Peroxide

 

As I have matured I have learned to let go of frivolous items.  For example, when in the past three years have you seen me with crimped hair?  This year in the interest of downsizing, I have let go of my pants.

 

As for my cleavage, I say to you this: if Cee Lo can unbutton his shirt to his navel without complaints, why can't I?

 

Plus, I have found that the constant breeze around my thighs helps me hit the high notes on "Ain't No Other Man"  with greater ease. 

 

Thank you for your concern.

 

Sincerely,

X-tina

 

 

Heating Up Your Relationship in Winter


Stalemate


In Sam or In Reality...


Maeve


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